An Open Letter from Satan to the Cameron Crazies

Mar 15 2010, Written by Hon Lung Chu in Backpages, 7 Comments

We were going through our letters from over Spring Break today, and came upon an interesting item from the Lord of the Underworld himself. See below for the envelope and the letter.

—–

(On the envelope)

From:

Satan

666 Brimstone Blvd.

Fiery Depths of Hell

To:

Chronicle “Letters to the editor” department

—–
An Open Letter from Satan to the Cameron Crazies

To: The Cameron Crazies

From: Satan

Re: Stop Chanting Please

Dear Esteemed Devils,

I greet you in the name of myself. While you may be surprised to receive a missive directly from the Lord of the Underworld, I want to assure you that I mean you no harm. People get really skittish around me sometimes. I mean, if I were coming to claim your soul, do you think I would send a memo by way of a third rate rag like your campus newspaper?

Anyway: I was down in my man-cave recently, and I flipped on ESPN to see a sea of blue-painted students chanting “Let’s Go Devils!” This pleased me immensely, and I soon found myself chanting right along with you. (I don’t know what happens when you chant those words, but when I do it the very depths of Hell heave with the agonized cries of suffering souls.) However, there is another of your favored chants that I simply cannot join. That’s why I’m writing to you.

Please, for the sake of my sanity, stop yelling, “Go to Hell, Carolina, Go to Hell!” I cannot emphasize this point strongly enough. I know it’s just an idle turn of phrase for you, gleefully deployed in the spirit of a rivalry. I understand that many of you think of Hell as some silly superstition. But in my capacity as the sovereign of Hell and chief arbiter of eternal damnation, I must do everything within my power to ensure that the UNC Men’s Basketball team does not spend eternity down here. The truth is, it would just be too much punishment for my fellow residents.

It is not widely known, but the Tar Heels have actually been down here before. In the summer of 2008, a delegation of players and coaches traveled from Chapel Hill to the gates of Hell in order to negotiate the terms of their 2009 national championship. It took us over two weeks to come to an agreement about what I’d get in exchange for a Final Four victory. Now, I can’t divulge the specifics of that deal. But I can tell you this: those guys are insufferable. All day long, they whine. They’re hungry, they’re too hot, they can’t get a cell signal. I had to come up to your side of eternity every afternoon just to get some peace and quiet.

The worst was when we let them play in our summer basketball league. First of all, kudos on another appropriate cheer: as it turns out, Tyler does travel every time. However, Mr. Hansbrough also managed to win the hearts of our referees, even though their souls are my eternal property. (How he managed that, I’ll never know.) The bottom line is, after two weeks of playing in our league, they somehow managed to make Hell less enjoyable for everyone else than it already is.

The 2010 Tar Heels, as you know, are quite a different matter altogether. It’s my opinion that if they arrived in Hell, they’d bring down the caliber of play in our league too much. They are clearly more suited for the NIT. So perhaps your future chants could direct Carolina to that destination rather than to Hell.

Although it seems to go against the spirit of the place, the bottom line is this: I am concerned that the Tar Heels will make Hell too unbearable of a place to live, even for me. As Kaysar Soze once said, the greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing the world I didn’t exist. And I’ll tell you this right now: if Roy Williams shows up down here again, I’m turning off the lights and hiding behind the sofa until he’s convinced that nobody is home.

I appreciate your consideration of this matter.

Sincerely,

The Lord of the Underworld

P.S. – Good luck in the tournament. Want to make any deals?

—–