16 Apr 2009, Posted by Jacob Wolff in Backpages, Jacob Wolff, 6 Comments
Well folks, this is my last blog entry for the year. As all four of you who have been reading my posts this semester would almost assuredly agree, chances are the powers that be won’t be renewing my contract for next year. I like to attribute it more to that fact that I’m too edgy and controversial, rather than acknowledging I’m probably just too dang weird to be writing for the newspaper. So for what may be my ‘series finale’ if you will, I decided to reflect upon what has, for all intents and purposes, been a pretty difficult year.
Recently, during a fit of homework-induced stress, I realized just how much junior year of college really does suck. Now I don’t want to seem like a Debbie Downer; junior year has had its fun moments, but it really has been a tough year. After complaining about junior year of college, it dawned upon me that junior year of high school was just as bad. After that realization, I though about Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. After that, I had an epiphany: I could live without pretty much everything “Junior” related:
Junior year of college: My current nemesis. Junior year, or more specifically, second semester junior year, is terrible. Combine a normal course-load (or even an over-load if you actually believed your advisor when he/she said: “Don’t worry, you can experiment with different classes your first few semesters, it won’t set you back”) with the craziness that is the internship hunt, add in the search for housing next year, tack on a few extracurriculars and you’ve got yourself a fun ol’ semester! Oh yeah, and did I mention studying for the MCATs, LSATs or whatever random four lettered test that will determine your future? The worst part, they’re all really important. You need good grades, good LSAT scores, a good internship, a place to live and a nice bowl of tomato soup (one needs sustenance to survive) if you hope to graduate with a job! You really can’t put anything on the back burner either. Though, if you must put one there, I would probably suggest the soup, as it will keep it warm.
Junior year of high school: I don’t mean to dredge up bad memories, but I think everyone sees the parallel to the Junior year of college experience. AP classes, applying to colleges, SATs, worrying about cooties; it’s the Junior version of our junior year at Duke.
Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers: I’m a vegetarian, and even I know Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers are lame. Sure, they’re cheap, but hardly filling (I wasn’t a veg until college, so lay off, Wendy’s was tasty). If you’re going to go omnivore, go for the full sized burger. You know what they say about people who order junior sized cheeseburgers? They use fewer condiments like ketchup. And if you don’t overuse condiments like ever other American (myself included), then that must mean you hate the USA. If you hate the USA, then you must hate freedom… DO YOU WANT TO HATE FREEDOM!?!
Freddie Prinze Jr.: Do I really need to say anything about this one?
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Jerry Maguire= Good. Daddy Day Care= Even better!! Kidding, it was terrible.
The Movie “Junior”: Few have heard of this film, and it’s better that way. Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger star as gynecologists who have come up with a way of impregnating males. Laughs (are supposed to) ensue when Arnold becomes the test subject and carries a baby (not in his arms, his tummy of course!). If you (a) want to further question humanity’s intelligence (in that a state actually elected this man governor), (b) think Danny DeVito, in some odd way, is kind of adorable or (c) still giggle at the word “gynecologist,” watch this flick.
Clearly, not all juniors are bad. Martin Luther King Jr. of course. I think I remember liking a song by Junior Senior at one point. Junior-sized Halloween costumes worn by college kids at tailgate are always sure to elicit a chuckle or two. Junior Mints are tasty too. So the word “Junior” is by no means a lost cause. But until junior year passes, it’s a cuss word in my book.