Most everything “Junior” (especially “year”) stinks

16 Apr 2009, Posted by Jacob Wolff in Backpages, Jacob Wolff, 6 Comments

Well folks, this is my last blog entry for the year.  As all four of you who have been reading my posts this semester would almost assuredly agree, chances are the powers that be won’t be renewing my contract for next year.  I like to attribute it more to that fact that I’m too edgy and controversial, rather than acknowledging I’m probably just too dang weird to be writing for the newspaper.  So for what may be my ‘series finale’ if you will, I decided to reflect upon what has, for all intents and purposes, been a pretty difficult year.

Recently, during a fit of homework-induced stress, I realized just how much junior year of college really does suck.   Now I don’t want to seem like a Debbie Downer; junior year has had its fun moments, but it really has been a tough year.  After complaining about junior year of college, it dawned upon me that junior year of high school was just as bad.   After that realization, I though about Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers.  After that, I had an epiphany: I could live without pretty much everything “Junior” related:

Junior year of college:  My current nemesis.  Junior year, or more specifically, second semester junior year, is terrible.    Combine a normal course-load (or even an over-load if you actually believed your advisor when he/she said: “Don’t worry, you can experiment with different classes your first few semesters, it won’t set you back”) with the craziness that is the internship hunt, add in the search for housing next year, tack on a few extracurriculars and you’ve got yourself a fun ol’ semester!  Oh yeah, and did I mention studying for the MCATs, LSATs or whatever random four lettered test that will determine your future?  The worst part, they’re all really important.  You need good grades, good LSAT scores, a good internship, a place to live and a nice bowl of tomato soup (one needs sustenance to survive) if you hope to graduate with a job!  You really can’t put anything on the back burner either.   Though, if you must put one there, I would probably suggest the soup, as it will keep it warm.

Junior year of high school: I don’t mean to dredge up bad memories, but I think everyone sees the parallel to the Junior year of college experience.  AP classes, applying to colleges, SATs, worrying about cooties; it’s the Junior version of our junior year at Duke.

Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers: I’m a vegetarian, and even I know Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers are lame.   Sure, they’re cheap, but hardly filling (I wasn’t a veg until college, so lay off, Wendy’s was tasty).  If you’re going to go omnivore, go for the full sized burger.  You know what they say about people who order junior sized cheeseburgers? They use fewer condiments like ketchup.  And if you don’t overuse condiments like ever other American (myself included), then that must mean you hate the USA.  If you hate the USA, then you must hate freedom…  DO YOU WANT TO HATE FREEDOM!?!

Freddie Prinze Jr.: Do I really need to say anything about this one?

Cuba Gooding Jr.: Jerry Maguire= Good.  Daddy Day Care= Even better!!  Kidding, it was terrible.

The Movie “Junior”: Few have heard of this film, and it’s better that way.  Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger star as gynecologists who have come up with a way of impregnating males.  Laughs (are supposed to) ensue when Arnold becomes the test subject and carries a baby (not in his arms, his tummy of course!).  If you (a) want to further question humanity’s intelligence (in that a state actually elected this man governor), (b) think Danny DeVito, in some odd way, is kind of adorable or (c) still giggle at the word “gynecologist,” watch this flick.

Clearly, not all juniors are bad.  Martin Luther King Jr. of course.  I think I remember liking a song by Junior Senior at one point.  Junior-sized Halloween costumes worn by college kids at tailgate are always sure to elicit a chuckle or two.  Junior Mints are tasty too.   So the word “Junior” is by no means a lost cause.   But until junior year passes, it’s a cuss word in my book.

Debating FML

08 Apr 2009, Posted by Jacob Wolff in Backpages, Jacob Wolff, 4 Comments

One of the benefits of writing a blog is that you get to address issues you wouldn’t normally be able to in print.  The fact is, it’s the Internet, most anything goes.  So with this post I decided to engage in a debate on the merits of the (in)famous site known as Fmylife.com.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the site, Fmylife.com is sort of like JuicyCampus or PostSecret in that people submit short, anonymous messages.  The posts are about extremely bad /embarrassing events that happened to the person, all of which end with the phrase ‘FML’ (short for F My Life).  For instance, one example of a typical post is: Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn’t hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can’t drive, our mom drove her there. FML.

The site has become all the rage for youngsters these days, to the point where saying “FML” is basically synonymous with “Wow, my life totally sucks.”  So I invited some (fictitious) experts to the blog to discuss the topic of Fmylife.com.  With us today we have world-renowned FML expert, Dr. Rusty Bumper, as well as a woman we randomly plopped off the street with promises of a job interview and free Subway, mother of 3, Negative Nancy.

Interviewer:  Let’s get some opening statements from you two, Dr. Bumper, let’s start with you…

Dr. Bumper:  Thanks.  First off, I’d just like to start I love your blog.  Your piece on single, 50 year old, sad, lonely men who still with their parents and enjoy creepily reading sites intended for teenagers really hit home with, uhhm, a friend of mine.  But moving on to FML, I just want to say it’s a great site.   It’s just flat out hilarious.  Whenever you need a pick me up, it’s the perfect “pity” site to make you realize “at least I don’t have it that bad!”

Nancy:  I’d first like to say I have no idea what I’m doing here. I was told this was a job interview and there would be free sandwiches.  But what the hay, I’ll go with it.  As a mother of two beautiful children and one other one that’s actually kind of weird looking, I decided to look at this FML to see what my kids were talking about.  Let me just say I’m outraged.  As an overprotective parent, I’m obligated to point out that it’s extremely vulgar.  But what really grinds my gears is that it’s ridiculous how unbelievable they all are!  I mean, should I really believe that some kid’s parents walked in on her while she was in bed with her Tyrannosaurus Rex boyfriend?  An herbivore dinosaur, maybe, but a T-Rex, come on now that’s just silly, he’d devour her.

Dr. Bumper:  Nancy, who cares if they’re made up?  All that’s important is that they make us realize no matter how bad things are, it could be worse.  For example, last week, my mom walked into my basement room and caught me re-enacting Britney Spears’ “Baby One More Time” video while simultaneously crying because the DVR didn’t record the Battlestar Galactica series finale.  What did I do?  I hopped on FML and immediately my self-loathing was replaced with girlie giggles.  Incidentally though I was still wearing my Britney skirt, and my mom was still in the room; but FML fixed that embarrassment up in jiffy!

Nancy:  I’m sorry; I just can’t take anything on there seriously, especially now that I know you wrote at least half of them.

Dr. Bumper:  Oh Nancy, you’re such a joker.  Seriously though, if you don’t find FML comical, as a doctor, I ought to see if you still have a funny bone!

Interviewer:  Aren’t you a podiatrist?

Dr. Bumper:  Thanks man, way to call me out on that one.  Not cool.  I’m posting this FML.

Interviewer: Some psychologists have criticized the site, saying it can be bad for people to constantly describe themselves in such a negative light.  Others questioned the morality of making money off people’s sadness like this.  Any response?

Nancy:  I’m gonna take this one rather than let the podiatrist have a crack at it,  the Doctor is clearly not right in the head.  I suppose when all is said and done, it’s a generally harmless site, especially seeing as many are probably made up.  Plus the rest seem to be in good humor.  As per making money off people’s sorrow, if that was against the law, Death Cab for Cutie would have been behind bars years ago.

Interviewer:  So do you think FML is just a passing fad, or is it here to stay?

Dr. Bumper: In my professional opinion, it will probably go the way of the Dodo bird, in that 17th century explorers will expose it to invasive predators and it will eventually go extinct.

Nancy/ Interviewer: *exchange confused looks*

Interviewer:  On that note, this concludes our interview.  Now if you really are having a bad day, I suggest you check out Fmylife.com (as it is funny) or watch this video, which always brightens my day (though it’s painful to watch, I read he went on to actually work as a sportscaster):

Alternative uses for Earth Hour 2009

01 Apr 2009, Posted by Jacob Wolff in Backpages, Jacob Wolff, 1 Comments

This past Saturday, cities across the world took part in “Earth Hour 2009” as households, businesses and famous landmarks turned off non-essential lights for an hour from 8:30 to 9:30 pm. Though perhaps 1 billion people didn’t end up participating like the organizers, the World Wildlife Fund, claimed would, it nonetheless appears to have been a success.  Even if  many individual households didn’t participate, the dimming of lights at famous landmarks like the Egyptian pyramids, the Empire State building, Big Ben and my house’s porch light should nonetheless serve what was most likely the campaigns’ ultimate purpose: raising awareness about energy use and Climate Change.

I spent Earth Hour with my parents who were visiting from Chicago in the Bryan Center (though I didn’t shut off any lights, I did shut my folks down in some intense games of crazy eights!). But when I got back to my computer later that night, a tweet on comedian Michael Ian Black’s twitter had me laughing: “Going to use Earth Hour as an opportunity to loot.” Now I think Earth Hour is a great idea for a great cause, but I like to consider myself an environmentally conscience individual who is already pretty aware of Climate Change (read: I know we’re in lots of trouble). So I didn’t feel too bad when my mind started to wander a bit as I asked myself: What else could one do during the unique opportunity that was Earth Hour?

I came up with this list, but feel free to add in the comments:

Looting: As Michael Ian Black suggested, Earth Hour offered the perfect opportunity to satisfy that looting itch we all get every now and again. Feel bad about looting? Loot environmentally friendly products such as Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs.   Looters care about the environment too!

Worry about ghosts: Sit in agonizing discomfort and in angst as every little noise heard becomes magnified to the shriek of an unfriendly ghost or the roar of a menacing monster.  Draw the quickest and most efficient plans to turning on every light in your home the second the clock turns 9:30. Leave them on overnight to counter the overwhelming sense of fear, loneliness and diffidence caused by the hour without light.

Kill Mr. Mustard: Take a brief moment to club Mr. Mustard in the library  (Perkins) with the candlestick.  No one will immediately know it was you if you skulk away through mysterious drapes and the lingering air of confusion.  Also, make sure to shout accusations.  This should provide an evening’s worth of fun, a life’s worth of hard time or perhaps both!

Not wear pants: Who hasn’t wondered what it would be like to walk around in public not wearing pants? No longer do really drunk people have a monopoly on such a privilege.

Clumsily bump into everything in your life (metaphorically too!): Utilize an hour of darkness to not only physically knock over and shatter all teetering objects in your house, but do so with a hint of allegory. Remember that combos are worth more points, so as you spill on yourself attempting to pour a glass of milk, try to drop it, slip on the glass, grab for the counter but instead pull down your pile of taxes and grandma’s urn in the process.  Finally, emotionally distraught, cry over the spilled milk.  Repeat for one hour or until everything in house (in life) has come crashing down.  Eventually it should all burn down, as clumsy people like you shouldn’t use candles.

Destroy a longstanding symbol of freedom: This is actually an amazing story. In a small firehouse in the town of Livermore, California, a light bulb has been on for 107 years! The bulb was first screwed into place in 1901, and hasn’t been turned off or burnt out since. It’s obviously become something of a symbol of pride for the town and firemen. Just by reading what some of the firemen in the article say, it’s safe to say that even if this light bulb was single handedly causing climate change, they’d fight to the death to make sure nobody turns it off. Environmentalists v. Big Burly Firemen? Sorry polar bears, the Firemen win this fight.

Many more things could have been on the list (dress your dog in an ugly sweater, like Canada, do that weird Tai Chi thing, read (Fahrenheit 451) by candlelight etc), so if you have any good ones, put them in the comments.

Of course, let us not forget what Earth Hour was truly for… raising awareness about what really is one of the worst problems our world has ever faced:  Our inability to walk around our own homes naked without fear of being seen by the neighbors.  Wait, strike that one, I mean climate change of course!  Seriously though… Climate change is bad, guys. Next year do Earth Hour, it’s a cool concept.

(Mad props go out to my brother Chris for his help)

The end of the Internet

25 Mar 2009, Posted by Jacob Wolff in Backpages, Jacob Wolff, 1 Comments

Do you remember that AOL commercial from a while back for  (what happened to all those free AOL CDs?  They were fun frisbees) where a guy was surfing the web, and he supposedly reaches the end of the Internet?   His wife shouts from the other room something along the lines of “are you surfing the web?” and he replies, “I was, but I finished it.” I couldn’t find it online anywhere, but you get the gist of it.

Though it would be impossible to “finish” the Internet in the same sense as one “finishes” a book, one man, Greg Rutter, has apparently attempted to write the Cliffs Notes version.  I recently stumbled upon this little gem (actually my dad emailed it to me), it’s called: “Greg Rutter’s Definitive List of The 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced On The Internet Unless You’re a Loser or Old or Something.”  The name is self-explanatory: it’s 99 things on the Internet that all the cool kids are doing.

Check it out; it’s a really great list.  It mostly consists of funny videos (think Star Wars Kid, Chocolate Rain, etc), but has other stuff as well.  WARNING:  There are 4 links at the bottom that are rather X-rated (read: 2 girls 1 cup), but the rest are mostly silly YouTube videos (which still may not be safe for work, so beware).

It’s a pretty awesome list, and if you check it out, it’s fun to count how many you’ve already seen (I was around 55/99).  The site is a great way to distract yourself and catch up on the viral videos you may have missed.  But after spending a good 5 hours clicking from link to link (and related links) and then attempting to stand, my legs’ inability to function got me thinking…

Take a second and think, actually think about how much time you spend on your computer each day.  It’s crazy.  Perhaps I’m an outlier, but I’m about as attached to my laptop as I was to watching Are You Afraid of the Dark everyday when I was a kid (no better time to watch a scary show than 4:30pm, IMO).   I know, I know, the statement “Facebook is ruining our ability to communicate in person” has been said again and again, but really, Facebook IS ruining our ability communicate in person.

I actually don’t have too big of qualms with Facebook (it does help people stay in touch), though I do think Facebook has affected our ability to actually speak with others in real life.  It’s really just our general abuse of the Internet that worries me.  It’s just too darn easy to get lost in the Internet and completely avoid actually interacting with other human beings; why push myself and acutally engage in social interaction when I can  just as easily waste away and watch an entire season of 24 at the push of a button?  In a recent study I did (by asking myself and my Mom), surfing the web with no real purpose was found to be the #3 leading cause of lost friendship (#1 was a friend suddenly liking Linkin’ Park, and #2 was  catching an acquaintance examining a snooty Kleenex too long).

When does aimlessly surfing the web go from ‘relaxing escape’ to ‘reality-numbing-brain-frying-life-sapping menace?  I’m not 100 percent sure of the time and date, but I think it’s a Thursday.

I actually don’t fault the videos found in the list above.  Viral videos and the like  don’t contribute much to our slow transformation into half-human half-computer cyborgs (the real cause, as everyone knows, is rogue Sky-Net technology from the Terminator movies), they tend to be too short, too hilarious, and generally too harmless for me to be mad at.  But I do think we need to re-examine our Twitter/Facebook/Side-Reel/Warcraft/Perez Hilton/Hulu/Addicting Games/Second Life/ESPN.com/MySpace/Megavideo/IGN/Minesweeper infected lives.

Now I know I’m opening myself to a lot of retorts: “You’re writing a freakin’ blog, the manifestation of the computer age,” or “the Internet is an extremely useful tool,” or “where else can I find such a sweet picture of a mustache!?!”  Those all have a lot of merit.  But I don’t think it’s a stretch to claim we really ought to be spend a little less time surfing the web, and a bit more time ensuring that we don’t let technology turn our children into socially inept, brain dead adults who resort to biting to solve their problems.

(Thanks again Dad for the link…)

Did I pick the right college?

18 Mar 2009, Posted by Jacob Wolff in Backpages, Jacob Wolff, 6 Comments

Flying back to school after Spring Break always brings out the worst in people.  Due to the fact that professors and students have irreconcilably different definitions of  “Spring Break” (professors think it’s the perfect time to assign extra work, while students see the word ‘break’ and space out for a week), most of us find our trips back to Duke and the piles of work that await rather gloomy.

My flight back to Durham this Saturday night was no different.  I spent a lot of my break dealing with summer internship stuff, so I could literally hear my books beckoning grimly from my dorm room.  Though I tried my hardest to fall asleep (thus putting off work even longer), the rather loud and talkative people around me kept me up.  I eventually gave up on sleep and engaged in the more rewarding experience of eavesdropping (before you judge, realize it’s impossible not to eavesdrop on a plane).

I quickly found out I had unknowingly sat myself right behind a group of girls from UNC returning from their Spring Break in Las Vegas, and in front of ten or so students from Appalachian State who were coming back from volunteering on an Indian reservation.

I have to admit, it was really interesting listening to their conversations (again, I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but you can’t really help it).  For a while, I was enthralled listening to the UNC girls giggle about about their sexual exploits.  Though the Appalachian State kids’ conversation wasn’t as juicy, they seemed to be having just as much fun.  But something didn’t feel right… and eventually it dawned upon me: these people all seemed genuinely happy.

I was shocked.  Coming back from Spring Break, shouldn’t they be just as sad as I was?  But instead of wallowing in despair, they were all smiling.  When the pilot (must have been a Duke fan) got on the intercom to rub that day’s UNC loss in a bit, the UNC girls booed and laughed and joked around.  The Appalachian State kids spent the whole flight goofing around, and even somehow convinced the airplane staff to let them hand out the snacks and collect the garbage (not my idea of fun, but they seemed to be having a good time).

Nothing sparks an introspective meander into one’s mind like a nice bout of turbulence.  Though everyone knows planes are safer than cars, when that plane’s a rockin’, the regrets come a knockin’.  So when our plane hit a rough patch of weather, I started to wonder if I had made the right choice to come to Duke (OK…  first I thought about who would come to my funeral, then I thought about my college choice).  I mean, here I was, a depressed Dukie, blue as could be, yet for these other kids, it seemed Spring Break was just starting.

I’ll admit, I’ve questioned my choice of coming to Duke more than a couple of times.   Anyone who tells you they haven’t wondered at least once if they should have gone somewhere else is a liar (aside from a few uber-Dukies).  So as I’m sitting on this plane, I start to think, why didn’t I go somewhere else?  If I went to UNC, or Appalachian State, maybe I could be as happy as these other kids right now.  Thus the despondency grew.

The gloominess stuck with me all flight.  I couldn’t shake it… once you start questioning the foundations of the last three years of your life, it’s tough to think of anything else.    When I got back to my dorm, I was feeling nostalgic (when you feel sad, you long for the “good ol’ days” I suppose).  I was flipping through old Facebook photo albums and a realization hit me.   As I was looking at old high school pictures and thinking about what colleges my friends in the photos were at now, I didn’t wonder whether their school was big or small, liberal or conservative, public or private, party school or academically oriented, etc.  In fact, I didn’t really define them by their colleges at all.   Frankly, I defined them as friends.

Those people on the plane weren’t happy because they went to UNC, or because they went to Appalachian State.  They were happy because they were with real friends.   Now of course, perhaps UNC or Appalachian State, or Duke for that matter, may have a tendency to attract a certain type of person, and thus there may be more or less people there who share common interests with you, but that’s not the whole story.  Generalizing an entire student body can make it very easy to blame one’s sorrow on the fact that a school is “really conservative” or “dominated by the Greek scene.”   To a certain degree, these arguments have merit.  But I think I’ve realized that Duke, like most schools, is diverse enough that anyone can find a niche.  It may be more difficult for some, but the fact is, at Duke there is a set of great friends for everyone. Would my life be different if I had gone to UNC?  Of course it would. But somewhere there is a sad UNC student sitting behind a group of Dukies laughing about their Spring Break on a plane back to school. School choice only matters so much.

Now I’m not trying to sound like a tacky Duke admissions packet, but college truly is what you make of it.  The next time you find yourself wondering if you went to the right college… a better question might be whether or not you joined the right clubs, started a conversation with that kid next to you in class or really put yourself out there at the school you’re at now. Although choosing the right school for you is important, making the most of the one you picked will define just how glum you feel on your next flight back from Spring Break.